an affair.

"The number one reason men cheat is because there are so many women out there willing to cheat with them."
-steve harvey

when i heard this quote said on Oprah i nodded my head and then i felt ashamed...
because... well because
i had an affair.

i had an affair that lasted 6 months & when it was going on i knew that i was doing wrong,
but i loved it so much i didn't care then that he wasn't going to be with me forever...
i didn't care that i was taking away moments that belonged to his fiance...

& the saddest part,
i still don't feel bad.
i like to say he didn't matter, especially after i found out he was so "friendly" with a lot of girls...
but to be honest, he was the first man that i deeply cared about in over 3 years.

Politically he was hers... physically he was mine, emotionally i dont think he was anyones, in reality he was everyones.
I remember the late night phone calls that were so wrong but to have him hold me and put me on his lap, sing me a song, talk to me about his day, it made me feel something, something i hadn't in a long time...

i remember this one time he ran to my room an my apartment was dark...
and i ran after him scolding him that he "better not go into my room" & just as i hit the hallway i felt him grab my ankle, and there was was laying in the hallway on the floor laughing and pulled me down for a kiss.

i remember breakfast and riding in the car singing "i'm in a hurry to get things done" & seeing the smile in his eyes.

i remember the text messages and the phone calls.

I remember telling him over and over that i couldn't "do this" anymore...
a couple shots and beers later i'd call him and he'd come right back to me.

I remember drinking wine on my couch and out of nowhere feeling a kiss,
i remember how much i loved his kiss... the taste of whiskey beer and cigarettes on his bottom lip.

i remember that night i had a party and we kissed passionatly on the balcony while everyone was inside... the rush and the hormones and the rush, no one was in the world but us... & it felt SO good.

i remember the day before he left me that whole week i had been so upset, then i saw him that one night & then he called and then there he was on my door step. then there he was in my bed then there i was in his arms... crying and there he was kissing my tears, then there he was looking at me saying goodbye and kissing me on my head.

i remember i thought he wouldn't go through with it, i thought he'd come back to me.
i thought that what i had felt hadn't been a lie...
but i was wrong. & he's still gone, and when i lay in bed under my sheets i smell him, i can hear his voice, & as much as i wanna hate him for doing what he did i don't, he showed me that i could feel again...

but when steve harvey says the number one reason men cheat is bc there are so many woman wiling to cheat with them... he is right, i was willing... & now i am ashamed, i am ashamed that i lowered myself to that & i am ashamed that i was one of those woman who knew and let it happen anyways.

cheating never gets anyone anywhere thats why it's called cheating.
one love.

stop it... :)

i saw Justin Timberlake on Oprah the other day, & fell back in love with him all over again,
I still don't think he's gotten the concept that he is the sexiest man in the world...
but as he was speaking at times my mind would wonder... far away to a land of boys... realistic ones,
& i realized that i have dated my justin timberlake, that i still swoon over boys who can say "stop it" in the sarcastic monotone...
it's a nice feeling, love. feelings. being able to feel something for someone.

SOOOO...
Cici (my Civic) was violated by some people with no jobs and obviously not very educated who stole her faceplate! aka my 2003 Panisonic faceplate, but they also severely messed up the area around it, AC controlers and vents etc trying to get the cd player in which they FAILED... so she has been in the shop at Protech all weekend! & IT HAS SUUUUCKED!

you find out who your REALLY good friends are when you start telling people you need a ride!!
& the winners for REALLY good friends are....

BLAIR DAVIS
JESSICA PULLEY
& STEPHEN MCCAIN!

Congratulations my friends ya'll win for driving all the way from McKinney & Arlington to Dallas to Mesquite to come pick me up, share your whiskey & hang out at Sports City Cafe Mesquite!! hahaha it was definately an experience! haha

so i missed my best friend Adam all weekend as he was gambling away money i wish i had in Vegas... bitch. :( :)
Britney Spears comes to American Airlines Center tomorrow!! Will i be there? Well you see it entirely depends... will i get wasted? Most definately!! Do i miss you babe? O yeaaaaaaa!

one love,
jen

how do i live without you.

it's been 2 yrs since my mothers passing & i still havn't gotten use to life without her.
everything that i believed was the foundation of my existence, the way that i was "raised" has been replaced with a pity love.
when i look at my little sister i can't believe the difference in the way they are being raised. Everything I missed out on they experience, everything I wasn't allowed to do they are more than welcomed & all i can do is sit back and secretly hate my little sister more and more everyday. If she didn't have half of my blood in her I would no doubt hate her completely. alot of people say... "O but she's only 11 she's still a little girl bla bla bla she's the baby" but i really do feel she is indeed just a MEAN little girl. She has this smug look across her face like she answers to no one, & i do think she knows that she doesn't. My mom was probably the best equalizer of all time, I knew to always ask her permission, I knew to always be considerate of not only her but the rest of my family. I know that my dad does everything he does trying to over compensate for the 11 years he was not a part of our family, but I feel like our home isn't a home anymore but more of a hang out. I can hear my mom yelling at the girls to be quiet because my dad was asleep and here my 11 yr old sister invites playmates over to play soccer inside the house....

as much as i think it's stupid to cry about it...
i can't help it.

it's not like anyone cares anyways... just my mom.

the fact of the matter is that i am still a child myself. i need a parent, a mother and a father & instead i have an occassional friend that I live with and no mother. I am a orphan. I'm sure some people would say you are about to be 23 go be your own person your so lazy, but it's hard. I believe that I am doing some good living here at home hoping that maybe one day my younger siblings will learn the things my mother taught me, how to fold laundry, how to clean a bathroom, how to raise a family. But this is not my family to raise and I have to respect that.

thunderstorm naps

thunderstorm naps by far are the greatest, but i always manage to have the weirdest dreams, today i was stopping a man from stealing the dna evidence to prove he raped my cousin who in fact looked like ugly betty...
maybe i shouldn't sleep with the TV on anymore.

other than that i spent my day looking up fence companies for our new awesome fence we're going to get!
& i went coupon shopping and save 33 dollars! cleaned the bath room made dinner, went by hobby lobby because i am redecorating the space above our kitchen cabinets and rented a movie, now i think i am going to watch some american idol then hit the hay... cause boy am i tired. Being a stay at home daughter is hard work.

one love.
jen

today.

e-mails
i get the most ridiculous e-mails ever. i swear its ridiculous.
i get everything from sexy chats, to public relation circulars, coupons, recipes, & clothes stuff but i just recently added something new to the junk mail, & i dunno how i feel about it. I have allowed the Studio Movie Grill to add me to their e-mail list! Why you ask? Because it has become a new favorite of both mine & the girls. The girls think its cool you can eat and watch a movie and i enjoy the fact that you can drink beer and not get kicked out of the theater (not that that has ever happened;)
ANYWAYS the latest e-mail I have gottens headline read "GIRLS 12-18..." weird.


Happy Lations
I am just very happy & proud for someone i have always loved.
if you can still love someone after so many years, maybe your meant to love them forever.
I wish i could see him smile & I wish I could be there for this new adventure in his life.


one love.
jen