how do i live without you.

it's been 2 yrs since my mothers passing & i still havn't gotten use to life without her.
everything that i believed was the foundation of my existence, the way that i was "raised" has been replaced with a pity love.
when i look at my little sister i can't believe the difference in the way they are being raised. Everything I missed out on they experience, everything I wasn't allowed to do they are more than welcomed & all i can do is sit back and secretly hate my little sister more and more everyday. If she didn't have half of my blood in her I would no doubt hate her completely. alot of people say... "O but she's only 11 she's still a little girl bla bla bla she's the baby" but i really do feel she is indeed just a MEAN little girl. She has this smug look across her face like she answers to no one, & i do think she knows that she doesn't. My mom was probably the best equalizer of all time, I knew to always ask her permission, I knew to always be considerate of not only her but the rest of my family. I know that my dad does everything he does trying to over compensate for the 11 years he was not a part of our family, but I feel like our home isn't a home anymore but more of a hang out. I can hear my mom yelling at the girls to be quiet because my dad was asleep and here my 11 yr old sister invites playmates over to play soccer inside the house....

as much as i think it's stupid to cry about it...
i can't help it.

it's not like anyone cares anyways... just my mom.

the fact of the matter is that i am still a child myself. i need a parent, a mother and a father & instead i have an occassional friend that I live with and no mother. I am a orphan. I'm sure some people would say you are about to be 23 go be your own person your so lazy, but it's hard. I believe that I am doing some good living here at home hoping that maybe one day my younger siblings will learn the things my mother taught me, how to fold laundry, how to clean a bathroom, how to raise a family. But this is not my family to raise and I have to respect that.