"The number one reason men cheat is because there are so many women out there willing to cheat with them."
-steve harvey
when i heard this quote said on Oprah i nodded my head and then i felt ashamed...
because... well because
i had an affair.
i had an affair that lasted 6 months & when it was going on i knew that i was doing wrong,
but i loved it so much i didn't care then that he wasn't going to be with me forever...
i didn't care that i was taking away moments that belonged to his fiance...
& the saddest part,
i still don't feel bad.
i like to say he didn't matter, especially after i found out he was so "friendly" with a lot of girls...
but to be honest, he was the first man that i deeply cared about in over 3 years.
Politically he was hers... physically he was mine, emotionally i dont think he was anyones, in reality he was everyones.
I remember the late night phone calls that were so wrong but to have him hold me and put me on his lap, sing me a song, talk to me about his day, it made me feel something, something i hadn't in a long time...
i remember this one time he ran to my room an my apartment was dark...
and i ran after him scolding him that he "better not go into my room" & just as i hit the hallway i felt him grab my ankle, and there was was laying in the hallway on the floor laughing and pulled me down for a kiss.
i remember breakfast and riding in the car singing "i'm in a hurry to get things done" & seeing the smile in his eyes.
i remember the text messages and the phone calls.
I remember telling him over and over that i couldn't "do this" anymore...
a couple shots and beers later i'd call him and he'd come right back to me.
I remember drinking wine on my couch and out of nowhere feeling a kiss,
i remember how much i loved his kiss... the taste of whiskey beer and cigarettes on his bottom lip.
i remember that night i had a party and we kissed passionatly on the balcony while everyone was inside... the rush and the hormones and the rush, no one was in the world but us... & it felt SO good.
i remember the day before he left me that whole week i had been so upset, then i saw him that one night & then he called and then there he was on my door step. then there he was in my bed then there i was in his arms... crying and there he was kissing my tears, then there he was looking at me saying goodbye and kissing me on my head.
i remember i thought he wouldn't go through with it, i thought he'd come back to me.
i thought that what i had felt hadn't been a lie...
but i was wrong. & he's still gone, and when i lay in bed under my sheets i smell him, i can hear his voice, & as much as i wanna hate him for doing what he did i don't, he showed me that i could feel again...
but when steve harvey says the number one reason men cheat is bc there are so many woman wiling to cheat with them... he is right, i was willing... & now i am ashamed, i am ashamed that i lowered myself to that & i am ashamed that i was one of those woman who knew and let it happen anyways.
cheating never gets anyone anywhere thats why it's called cheating.
one love.
